Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Odd One on the Float

By Chip Tsao | published Oct 08, 2009

A vast cavalcade of tanks, missiles, astronauts, sport stars and goose-stepping soldiers rolled down Chang-an Avenue in Beijing in a spectacular parade held in honor of the Chinese Communist Party on October 1. What made this year’s military show-off more human was a float featuring foreigners, ostensibly gweilos, a few black people and some Hispanics, designed to showcase global recognition of the mighty status of the Rising Dragon.

It was this float that looked most human and the least robotic among them all—the foreigners were looking about with curiosity, some even clapping and laughing with an innocent joy, sort of like children taken to Disneyland for the first time.

But to the offense of Chinese nationalistic pride around the world, one white male on the float was not concentrating on his assigned role. Oddly, he was talking on a mobile phone. The CCTV cameraman was smart enough to discover this disharmonious scene and cut the picture away after a split second.

But who was that daring white man using a mobile phone at this crucial moment? Would the Party who hired him ask this arrogant moron to return his show fee after he botched up what should have been the most perfect parade Earth has ever seen?
And more curiously, who was he talking to? It must have been a very important person, perhaps a young Lily Wang from a Beijing bar.

Here’s an imaginary dialogue between the two lovers:
Bill: “Hi, darling. I missed you last night. Your sweet voice never fails to get me up.”
Lily: “Don’t be ridiculous, Bill. And don’t forget your promise. Have you rung your parents in Cardiff before the parade to let them know they’re going to have a Chinese daughter-in-law to celebrate our National Day?”
Bill: “Hmm... I haven’t yet, but I’ll certainly do that. By the way, I met a friend this morning from the British embassy. He told me even if I marry you, it’s not that easy for you to get a British passport.”
Lily: “Are you lying to me? All my classmates married British and American men got their passports as soon as they landed at Heathrow or Newark. You’re cheating me. You’re bullying me. I’m watching TV now. I wish I was one of the soldier girls who just marched past—I would have definitely shot your balls off with my gun, you imperialist bastard!”
Bill: “Hey, calm down, sweetheart. The British government is changing its immigration laws. There’s going to be a patriotic test for all immigrants, including newlyweds from countries like Thailand, Vietnam and China.”
Lily: “What’s wrong with that? I’ll definitely pass it. Let them test me. I love China, and I love Chairman Mao.”
Bill: “Well... I’m afraid the test is the other way round. You must show that you identify with freedom and democracy and all that crap. They follow George Bush, you see...”
The mobile line was then mysteriously cut off.

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