破綻

2009年11月30日

災難片《二○一二》最大的破綻，是一家大小逃火山、奔海嘯、乘飛機脫險，飛機換了一架又一架，三天兩夜，他們從來不必上廁所。
但編導卻不怕觀眾想到內急這個小小的疏忽，銀幕上火山海，一恐懼，什麼都記不得了，因為近年時興對末世的恐慌。
其中一樣理論，是由於大氣污染暖化，地球上的蜜蜂正在減少。出版了一本書：如果地球上的蜜蜂滅亡，影響花粉散播，食物鏈受破壞，人類的存活只剩下四年。
數據顯示，蜜蜂正在減少。答案是末世近了。
書籍引起恐慌，卻並不是真相。
首先，美國和歐洲的蜜蜂數量確實少了。但在南美洲、亞洲、非洲，人工養殖的蜜蜂卻比過去五年多了四成半，因為像 T恤和牛仔褲的生產線搬到中國一樣，養蜂業也移到第三世界。野蜂少了，不要緊，正如香港人吃魚，許多魚來自養魚場。
其次，蜜蜂即使死光，人類的農作物也不會減產。因為世上最常吃的植物，其中七成，像稻米和小麥，與蜜蜂的生死完全沒關係。
歐洲和美國少了蜜蜂，不等同全世界都少了，正如香港的英文水準低落，不等同全球的英語都下降。但當權的人往往如此：明明是他們在香港管理不善，形成經濟衰退，於是就說「外圍因素影響」、「全世界都一樣」，來哄騙電視劇集的師奶觀眾。
蜜蜂沒有減少，死光了也不影響人類，這是加拿大卡格里大學生物系教授最近的一篇論文。但報紙不愛轉載，因為不夠恐慌。傳媒喜歡一切可以令公眾恐慌的新聞。
公眾不懂農業，蜜蜂危機，沒有人能質疑。但公眾都會上廁所的，《二○一二》的男女主角為什麼從來無此需要？一架大飛機，從加州飛到西藏，至少十四五小時，是一架貨櫃機，大家坐在地板上，沒有得吃喝。
然後忽然想起，不論災難片、武俠片，所有電影的大英雄男主角，跑遍江湖，爭秘笈，尋寶劍，從王羽到李小龍，都不必人有三急，急的，是座上怕地球滅亡的我們。

Why Obama Failed in China

By Chip Tsao | published Nov 26, 2009

The speech to Shanghai university students blacked out. The interview with a liberal magazine censored. No major human rights issues were raised. The return for all this kow-towing goodwill? A blunt “no” from the Chinese to the American’s meek demand for the appreciation of the Renminbi, dashing any hope of easing the trade deficit and rising unemployment at home. Mutual agreement on the containment of Iran in regard to its nuclear proliferation? A deaf ear. Cut down CO2 emissions? Only if you do it first.

Obama’s trip to China has been indisputably a thumbs-down flop. His pop-star charisma was blatantly castrated by his host as soon as the self-proclaimed “Pacific President” began appearing on the stump in Shanghai and Beijing. What Obama gained most is perhaps a rare taste of genuine feminine beauty, as seen in his hypnotized gawk as he was being served by a Chinese waitress at the state banquet, which was promptly snapped by a keen Reuters journalist. An eye-opening sight indeed for any American man who grew up surrounded by feminist indoctrination, where the Jane Fondas of the country began flexing their muscle as far back as the early 1970s in a gesture of gender prowess.

It is unfair to criticize Obama for being a China novice. At least he knows it is wiser to ditch the wife on such a discovery trip where his eyes can feast upon the visual marvels at the dining table (there would also be plenty more to experience, of course, and not just with his eyes, if he so wishes). But he must be confused about why he came home absolutely empty-handed after going down on both knees before the Chinese.

I can tell him the undesirable truth after unofficially chatting with many native Chinese privately in Lan Kwai Fong pubs, Wan Chai seafood restaurants and taxi drivers around Central. Despite his mesmerized gape, Obama simply doesn’t look presidential enough to earn any serious respect in his host’s eyes, nothing above a condescending squint. For most Chinese, even if we are prepared to make the smallest Dr. Fu Manchu reciprocation in kow-tow to big Uncle Sam, we prefer granting it to someone with a stouter body shape, and yes, it must be said, a brighter skin color. At least this would make the Chinese feel better. If Obama called himself the first official “President of the Anglo-American alliance,” an old pensioner living in Devon, England may protest in dismay. And so would the potential subjects of a surrealistic “Pacific President.” We’re not used to seeing a US president walking on the Great Wall alone, clad in only a light jacket, his hands in his pockets James Dean-style, shivering in the cold.

No, we are simply not ready.

Cornetto

2009年11月24日

許多年前，當電視剛換成彩色之後不久，有一個意大利甜筒雪糕名牌 Cornetto的廣告。

著名的片斷：威尼斯小河的一隻貢都拉上，一個肥佬站着，手持甜筒雪糕在唱歌，戲用《我的太陽》的曲譜： Just one Cornetto. Give it to me. Delicious ice-cream from Italy──美味甜筒，給我一杯，唱到一半，一個人騎着水上電單車，把甜筒搶走。

Cornetto的廣告，播了十年。由色彩鮮艷，播到有點褪色。 Cornetto剛出現時，是香港人最快樂而有自信的時候：除了大丸，銅鑼灣還開了松坂屋，然後是第一家麥當勞。開始有一個中產階級，讓孩子放洋留學。

Just one Cornetto，當你上飛機去美國之前，連同那一個牌子的甜筒雪糕打進香港，剛剛走紅，到你讀完書，回來渡假，還在電視上看到的那首男高音的廣告歌。

音韻依舊，而物是人非──十年之後，你得到學位，結束了兩三段不堪回首的情事，在海外找到第一份工作。香港的樓房長高了，港督從麥理浩換成了尤德，主權問題浮在陰霾密布的海港晚空。中學舊侶，人面桃花，有的開始辦移民。

還記不記得在一個多風的晚上，約會了一個舊友，在海運大廈的露天停車場說着心事？海港的燈火孕育着徬徨，我們在海運戲院門前，買了一隻甜筒雪糕，只因為那熟悉的歌聲： Just one Cornetto。

幕後代唱的歌者，名叫巴里艾里（ Renato Pagliari），一個名不見經傳的男高音。戰時出生羅馬郊區的一個貧窮家庭，從小的夢想是做歌劇院的男高音。年少時在咖啡店當侍應，工作時喜歡唱歌，一九七五年，顧客叫他參加電視才藝表演，他得了獎。

但巴里艾里沒有變成巴伐洛提，只是二流歌手， Cornetto的廣告歌，他也沒露臉，只是配音。後來他在郵輪和婚禮主唱，生活過得去。沒當成天皇巨星，巴里艾里也是一個胖子，他的日子過得快樂。

兩個月前他腦瘤逝世，享年七十。在病房裏，他還唱歌娛樂病友。這個世界，不是每人都能攀登到夢想的頂峯。 Not everybody can make it，但也會為世界帶來美好的回憶，如同那一個秋夜，我們在海運大廈，一起吃着甜筒，憧憬未來，舔盡一夜的柔甜，浮光鑠金，海港的夜空浮現着兩三顆藍星。

百家史

2009年11月20日

【蘋果日報-黃金冒險號】香港特區的歷史教育消亡，「併」入其他什麼爛科。這也難怪，一個愚蠢的社會官僚，最出色的長處，是把一切簡單的事搞得很複雜（像天水圍開大牌檔事件）；把本來沒有爭議的小事化為危機（像民主黨的解聘女助理「風暴」）；把一切有趣味的事，變得枯燥無比（像特區的歷史科教育）。

香港的中學歷史科，沒有半點人氣。當了殖民地一百五十年，英國的歷史教育充滿趣味和靈氣，香港半點都沾不到，這個世界，孔子說的，上智下愚，沒得爭辯。

譬如五十年代的英國，許多歷史學家都有著述，發掘新的角度，就要有點創意。最近有一卷歷史書出版，題為「英國家庭：從一九五一到一九五七年」。

作者尋訪平民，讓他們憶述五十年代的家庭事。五十年代成長的一代，如果是中產階級，許多都寫日記。叫大家把日記交出來好了。

其中一個小孩，這樣記述五十年代的一天：「昨夜我很快樂。與多魯菲一起散步，我們在河邊走了一大段，身心都覺得溫暖。她是我遇到過最出色的女子。今天上學，才發現歷史課本遺忘在課室裏。上午很悶。國王十時四十五分駕崩。」

英皇喬治逝世，在這位初中生的日記裏，記在最後，除了歷史大事，換一個角度看，那時的家庭生活悠閒，讀書很輕鬆，還有，與年少的女伴散步，那時的風氣是禮貌得體，欣賞她的性格和氣質，而不是馬上先想到上牀。

人在日記裏的感想，構成那個時代的人心思潮。其中一頁日記：「如果窮人夫婦不懂得怎樣教養孩子，不如限制他們生育。」一九五二年，倫敦四天濃霧，一萬二千人氣管病發暴斃，當時的報紙沒有大幅報道，民眾的日記裏卻記述了祖母和親人猝逝的哀思。

雖然生活很窮，但聖誕前湧去百貨店買禮物，還是開心的。歷史本來是趣味無窮的小故事，中國歷史學家白壽彝說：「一個民族的歷史研究，通常先由人物開始。」

沒有錯，問題是不一定都大人物，「集體回憶」是更感人的歷史。大陸山東畫報社出版的《老照片》，呼籲全國讀者把家庭舊照片寄去，述說照片的往事和感想，出到十幾集，歷久不衰，這是讓歷史從帝皇宮殿走向尋常百姓家。平民的哀樂，是帝皇的統治決定的。暴政如火，百姓如柴薪，一個時代發出的光亮，燒成焦炭的柴薪，故事更動人。

Give Me Back My Mozart

By Chip Tsao | published Nov 19, 2009

I called my solicitor last week. I asked him if I could sue a woman’s voice, which claims itself a “road safety commission”, which had abruptly interrupted my peaceful driving while crossing the Hung Hom tunnel.

I was driving with my car radio on. It was on Radio 4, the classical music channel rarely listened to by most Hong Kong people. And it was Mozart’s clarinet concerto No 622, performed by some members of the London Symphony Orchestra. With an elementary knowledge in the field of music, you know it is not only one of Mozart’s best but one of the most heavenly pieces of melody ever created in human history. My hat’s off to RTHK, which is the provider of such a good service, in a city full of meaningless noises.

But the short moment of serenity was brutally ripped out in the middle of the tunnel. A Chinese woman’s voice, claiming to be representative of the body, reminded all the cars in a stuttering Cantonese, followed by some broken English, “to keep a safe distance” from each other. Transmitted through a compulsory interference electronic device, the woman’s most boring voice completely destroyed my Mozart, like a big black fly buzzing around which suddenly drops dead, falling into a glass of champagne. That calamity was enough to get me depressed for the rest of the day.

I’m seeking to sue the so-called road safety commission, apparently another junk body formed with taxpayers’ money, for this reason:

People with a driving license need to be reminded to “keep a safe distance” in a tunnel, or anywhere else indeed, as much as a 70-year old granddad with five grandchildren needs to be instructed how to have proper sexual intercourse? For someone like Donald Tsang and his third-rate Chinese civil servants who have shown a total administrative failure in the past 12 years, they may need to be told everyday how their former British colonial master used to run Hong Kong with common sense. Not me, and I believe, neither do any of the drivers shuttling through the tunnel everyday. We are adults, and we have a more sober and mature mind than this dumb government.

If the “road safety commission’’ has to act like an omnipresent burbling nanny constantly intruding into drivers’ peaceful ears, what about those who never tune into a radio channel in their cars? That means they would miss that broadcast. And how stupid, bang, they crash in the tunnel, and they well deserve it.

Yes, there could be drunk drivers, but in a community with a bit of common sense, such reminders are normally displayed, (if you have to treat your citizens like absent-minded children), on a banner hung beneath the tunnel ceiling, in deep red color.
How much should the Hong Kong SAR government pay in compensation to all those like me, apart from the crime of blasphemy against Amadeus, the son of God? Give me back my Mozart, with his clarinet concerto No 622, in one single piece, on that afternoon. It’s priceless, compared with the $230,000 paid as monthly salaries to that little-bang-for-the-buck bunch of under-secretaries.

讀唐德剛

2009年11月18日

【蘋果日報-黃金冒險號】歷史學家唐德剛教授逝世，歷史學家是社會中一個很獨特的品種，歷史學家的魅力，在於對從前的事情的叙議。只有「叙」是不夠的，歷史教科書都齊全了，除了辛勤搜羅資料，歷史學家還要負起「議」的責任，這是最難的工作。就像醫生，「叙」是講述病徵，「議」是定論病理。一把脈，四五位大夫都有不同的看法，其中一個斷言：這是絕症，就要很大的勇氣和功夫。

唐德剛教授富有激情，本來不太適合這一行。其歷史論述有時綜合了太多的主觀判斷，變成「唐氏綜合症」。例如唐先生的「中華民族三峽論」，認為中國要經歷過三峽，以後就騰龍入海，光明在望。這是詩人的想像和情感──為什麼只過三關，而不是六環彩？人口已經十四五億，過第三關之後，地球有限的資源如何分配？唐先生都沒有科學的佐證，只能是「聖人出、黃河清」之類的「老百姓式」的祈求。

唐德剛教授的歷史很有中國老百姓色彩，他很有人情味，品格善良，讀唐德剛的歷史論述，有太濃厚的「有我」之境。雖然他喜歡以「朋友」的暱稱與讀者直接對話，但歷史學家修煉到高段數，像一位高僧看破生死，能把一切悲歡悉數沉澱。叙事越細節，論議越謹慎，「議」的地方越精煉而準確，就像外國的足球賽轉播：評述員坐在一旁，口水絕不多，畫面高清，鏡頭調度靈活，進球之際，評述員才那麼三言兩語，就把一場球賽的來龍去脈點睛化活。

唐德剛先生的論史，卻自有貢獻。他龍門陣山侃水調的大嗓門，優點是能令中國歷史趣味無窮，你知道他為中國覺得「肉緊」，所以情不自禁也跟他一起投入了。比起今天特區政府指引之下言詞悶出鳥蛋來、編制僵化如石頭的文史教科書，讀唐德剛，像垃圾食物吃多了，吃一點有機蔬菜，令中學生可以防止少年的白癡化。

見過唐先生的，都忘不了他憂患中不失憨真的一絲笑容，那種氣質，是那麼中華民國，值得懷念的中國人，都是上一代的，他要出三峽，奔流大海，從此不再回來。

「緣」的英譯

2009年11月17日

毛凱琳三十年前來到亞洲，從此在大陸定居，歸屬感在中國。「三十年前，中國人叫我毛同志，後來，改稱師傅，今天，叫毛女士。從前中國人的衣服都是灰藍的中山裝，今天，穿得色彩繽紛，個性的解放和變革，從身上顏色就見到了。」
一個人活了兩輩子，經歷了中國三十年改革的巨變，毛大姐不枉此生了。她不是在小圈子裏碰杯飲宴的老外貴族，全國到處跑，「在美國，生活太充裕，中國令人有激情，天天有新鮮事，越活越年輕。」
三十年前，美國小提琴家史泰恩訪問北京，當年雙方語言不通，兩國的音樂家用音樂溝通，中國人還表演京戲，把史泰恩的美國人一行看得目瞪口呆。「中國人一般很善良，年輕官員也很有見識，他們了解世界，中國一天天在變，問題當然有，不比其他國家少。但人口十三億，中國人的潛質和智慧卻一定比世上其他地方多，我很樂觀。」她說。我沒答話，想到香港「特區」，有點荒涼感。
毛大姐登五嶽，學古文，情迷老莊，讀唐詩宋詞。「中國民間很有幽默感，體現在歇後語裏，民間歇後語跟經典裏的一本正經不一樣。像『西方人洗澡──涮羊（洋）肉』。」說完，她自己笑倒了。
「中國人民的老朋友」，這句話太濫了，許多外國人經營跨國企業，來中國只為了吃中國菜，賺中國錢。毛大姐不同，她是把中國兩個字生活在血液裏的人，一心只想美中兩國成為真正的好朋友。「這是生來的緣份。」她用國語說。
中文的一個緣字，從佛教的輪迴（ Karma）衍生過來，英文該怎樣譯？我請教這個新世代的中國通。「 Fate, Predestination, Destiny，通通加起來，拌和。」像炒菜一樣，古時的中文營養成份豐富，英譯以一敵眾，才真是博大精深。「但這只是宏觀的『宿命』。如果宿命是一塊棉花田，『緣份』只是一縷隨風飄逝的幼小的絮絲，這是中西文化之間味道總有點不對的地方。」我說。
「還要加上一個字： Serendipity──偶而交感的光亮。」毛大姐說。
加一點點醬油，就貼近許多。「緣」是柔軟而精緻的牽扯，是一種細細的業力。 Serendipity，這個字也深得不得了，卻又有「驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處」之巧。人的一生，沒有痛哭傷心過，領悟不了其中的蒼茫。我沒有說下去，談話就此結束了。

太平洋黑洞

2009年11月14日

【蘋果日報-黃金冒險號】毛凱琳是一個四十多歲的美國女人。一九八○年，她來到中國，做棉花生意。

毛凱琳說得一口流利的中國話，她很了解中國，把大陸官場常遇到的詞彙，編成一本像毛語錄一樣的小紅書，叫做「管鑰匙的人不在」（ The Man With The Key Is Not Here），教美國人來到中國，如何聽懂中國人說話的真意。

除了工作，她的愛好是環保。毛凱琳回美國，在三藩市乘船出海，駛到夏威夷附近的海域，發現一個直徑三千五百哩的海洋垃圾漂浮圈──丟棄的魚網、發泡膠、塑膠桶、數不清的工業廢料，從第二次世界大戰後，一直開始累積，從美國、日本、中國，環太平洋的許多發達和「發展中國家」無數的「消費者」，像排洩一樣，污染了海洋。

太平洋像浴缸裏水流沖走的那個活塞洞孔，水流順着時針方向逆轉，但當中有一片海域，像浴缸流水時的真空洞眼一樣，幾乎是靜止的。六十多年來，工業廢料拋進海洋，悄悄地向這片真空海域滙聚，形成這個壯觀的垃圾黑洞。

毛凱琳在中國工作，但閒來就出海去太平洋。她的嗜好不是唱 K，不是打麻將，也不是足底按摩，而是到處呼籲，叫人不要用塑膠。

煙草和塑膠，都應該一起禁，而用塑膠的禍害更甚於抽煙。毛凱琳步入中年，但滿腔激情。「活在中國，令我感到年輕。」她說。

「因為在中國，你固然看到許多不公義的事情，回到美國，又見識美國公眾的無知。隔着太平洋兩頭跑，你會清楚：這個世界患了重病，因為這兩個大國都一起瘋狂，但局中的世人卻還在享樂，你要很年輕，很有激情，才想改變這一切，挽救地球於末日。」

毛凱琳的機構，專門對付太平洋這個垃圾黑洞，那裏的魚吃了垃圾，都死得差不多了。她歡迎香港的下一代加入，一起為拯救美好的自然盡一點力，因為在這個世界，除了 o靚模的波波，還有許多更值得神往的事情。毛小姐的網址： www.projectkaisei.org──她肯付多少錢，我不知道，也許是義工，但聽候這個美國女人使喚，你會有得着：一是環保經驗，二是學英語，三是學好所謂的「普通話」，毛凱琳在大陸三十年，中國話比你祖宗三代的國語咬音都純正。

Taking the Mickey Out of Hong Kong

By Chip Tsao | published Nov 12, 2009

Disneyland has finally been seduced by Shanghai into building a theme park in Pudong. No doubt this is a humiliating case of economic betrayal to the Hong Kong SAR government, but their response has been surprisingly humble. The Secretary for Commerce and Economic Development, Rita Lau, welcomed the decision and predicted that the two theme parks would be “complementary to each other.” Not a word of protest. How dare she? This is akin to adultery committed between a treacherous gweilo—in this case, the Walt Disney CEO in Los Angeles—with her motherland.

The theory has it that with a 1.3 billion-strong population wanting to be enlightened with the right-wing conservative American Republican values that lurk beneath the commercial smile of Walt Disney, the dark icon also known for supporting Senator McCarthy’s anti-communist witch hunt in the early 1950s, China is plenty big enough to support two Disneylands. It sounds great, kind of like the United States being able to competently fight two wars at the same time, as Dick Cheney once bragged about. But is it too much cultural imperialistic complacency?

Will Shanghai Disneyland make any money? If you are mesmerized by the sheer figure of 1.3 billion, the answer would appear to be a definite yes. But it’s not just business. By invading Shanghai, the Americans are declaring war on China by building an ideological factory to counter-brainwash Chinese children, who are currently subject to a nationalistic education and a resurrection of Maoist indoctrination. Unlike the American middle class, for whom Mickey Mouse, Snow White and Buzz Lightyear are household names, the Chinese have little sentimental affiliation with Walt Disney’s characters. Chinese parents and children are unlikely to be moved to tears when they see Bambi’s mother being shot—more likely, they’ll think of venison. The image of Donald Duck serves as a good reminder that a Peking duck needs to be force-fed before being roasted. And the nuisance of Pluto’s incessant barking can be settled once he’s made into a hot bowl of dog-meat broth brewed with ginger and spring onion, a traditional Cantonese dish served in November once the weather gets cold.

Opening a Disneyland in Shanghai is thus a decision braver than when the peasant girl Mulan saves her emperor-father’s throne from the barbarians, more exotic than the love affairs between Mowgli and Shanti in “The Jungle Book,” and definitely more dangerous than the fornication between Pocahontas and John Smith. It involves hard mould-breaking work. At a time when the theme park business is in worldwide decline, I wish Shanghai Disneyland good luck with its new expedition to spur a renaissance in China. Let’s hope it’s not digging its grave in a remote land, singing a hymn from one of its heroines: “You think I’m an ignorant savage, and you’ve been to so many places. You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you’ll learn things you never knew.”

Missing Uncle Tung

By Chip Tsao | published Nov 05, 2009

Hong Kongers are missing former chief executive Tung Chee-hwa as much as the Russians are missing Stalin, the Brits are missing Tony Blair and the Chinese are missing Chairman Mao. It’s no longer Halloween, but the global orgy of reincarnated old phantoms still drags on.

We owe a twinge of conscience to the former chief executive. Tung’s commitment to building 85,000 government-funded flats as a part of his housing scheme, coinciding with the global financial market crash that occurred soon after the 1997 handover, slashed Hong Kong’s property prices by 70 percent and reduced a once-prosperous former colony into economic rubble before he stepped down under the pretext of a sore foot under Beijing’s orders. But the Robin Hood of the Orient may have been right as Hong Kong people are now appalled by the record-breaking $71,280 price per square foot at the luxury development at 39 Conduit Road, presented with honor by Henderson Land. Tung has lived long enough to see his name, once cursed by every street hawker, officer cleaner and taxi driver in every corner of Hong Kong, cleared as Donald Tsang advises young people to buy flats in remote, but cheaper areas such as Tin Shui Wai or Tai Po—a kind of reverse take on “Let them eat cake.” (“Why don’t they eat bread if they can’t afford the brioche?”)

After Napoleon Bonaparte made a mess of his military expeditions after the Revolution, the French saw a brief restoration of the Bourbon royalty when Louis XVIII briefly reclaimed the throne. Because the Chinese people recently saw the fragile figure of former state president Jiang Zemin re-emerge from the Tiananmen Gate during the National Day grand parade, Tung now has a precedent to follow. Give us back Uncle Tung, and make him stand over the shoulder of a gloomy Donald Tsang while he reads his policy speeches to the Legislative Council. We have wrongly exorcised the spirit of Tung, and property prices have rightly soared.

Except that it could be different this time. It’s the Chinese hot money, and not local speculators as in 1997, that is driving up luxury flat prices on Conduit Road and The Peak. As Beijing is holding more than US$2 trillion foreign reserves, it is her global strategy to buy whatever is valuable and available in the world—oil from Iran, ore from Australia, gold mines in Africa, the Canary Wharf in London and, if allowed, they’d even buy the New York Times and turn it into a branch of China Daily. Hong Kong’s overheated property market is a part of this stop-moaning-and-just-name-the-price global shopping spree. Slash the property prices by 70 percent again with the old trick invented by the former British colonist Murray MacLehose and badly bite our motherland’s hand, and then what fate awaits our chief executive— be it Tung, Tang or Tsang? A sore foot again, or worse?